Colin Firth talks Hollywood’s umpteenth ‘Secret Garden’ remake

Hollywood mostly makes remakes. In 1949, “The Secret Garden” starred little girl Margaret O’Brien and the big secret was that this thing was then already a reprise. Then again in ’93. It’s now re-re-re blooming. It’s older than the popcorn. The thing now stars Colin Firth, playing the cranky coot who’s looking after an orphaned girl in a castle. She’s Brit newcomer Dixie Egerickx, born 2005 — probably the year of the popcorn.

Colin: “Its dark and heavy scenario endures because of the explosive optimism. First day I was a little frightened. I didn’t expect the castle to be so creepy. Or that garden to be so sumptuous.

“I loved reuniting with Dame Julie Walters, who plays the housekeeper. We’ve done two ‘Mamma Mia!’s and a ‘Mary Poppins’ together but with separate scenes. This is our first time together, joined at the hip.”

Now, before those two get a room, the STX release is streaming now.

Speaking of remakes, remember the ’74 classic “Chinatown”? Jack Nicholson, Faye Dunaway, director Roman Polanski? Now Ben Affleck’s to be directing a behind-the-scenes drama about the making of “Chinatown.” This one’s called “The Big Goodbye.”

Next up, how about somebody doing a rerun of 1927’s first feature-length motion picture with synchronized dialogue. The film used piped-in music. How about a rejuiced, redone, redigitized, rerecorded version of “The Jazz Singer?” How about we resuscitate maybe Sal Mineo as the revived Al Jolson?

Listen, those movie theaters still have popcorn left over.

Disney’s of thrice and ‘Men’

How about the 1987 hit “Three Men and a Baby?” Back when life was calmer, this thing made give or take $100 million-plus domestically. So, naturally, it’s being revived. It’s Disney. It’s Zac Efron, who’s either being one of the three men or the baby.

Wait. More. Not finished. Daphne du Maurier’s classic “Rebecca” came to us 80 years ago courtesy of Hitchcock and United Artists. It’s coming again. October. Netflix. Remake of the Oscar-winning film. This time Armie Hammer, Lily James, Kristin Scott Thomas.

Run, Forrest!

“Forrest Gump.” This all-American story, which starred Tom Hanks, who grabbed an Oscar for it, is getting remade. And where is this all-American rah-rah flag-waving USA film being made? India! In Hindi. To make it look more Yankee some filming will be — and where else? — in Turkey. They say that’s because of the CV. It’ll star — ready? — that part of the planet’s big star, Aamir Khan. All together now — who? OK, so release is Christmas 2021.

Royal flush

Just to get away from films, we now wrench our way to another four-star player — ex-HRH Harry. The savant who left country, queen, career, brother, family, friends and sanity. Hollywood’s not into non-VIPs. Except for giving paid lectures like other used-to-be’s are doing, his ex-Highness earns zero. He just schleps after someone hot to be a somebody whose every “charity” thing — you’ll note — comes with a p.r. handout and photographer.

Now his wife is hunting a career. Fergie, ex-Duchess of York, might later help with a lawyer.

Two Democrats talking: “So for Biden’s election parade, what should we prep — a Caddy?” Second Democrat: “No. A pram.”

Little Joe Biden
Sat on a sidin’
Eating his curds and whey
Along came a loafer
Sat down on his sofa
And took all his winnings away

Only in America, kids, only in America.

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