Why Does Justin Bieber Want to Fight Tom Cruise?

On June 9th, 2019, at 8:34 PM, boy prince Justin Bieber let forth one of his classic social media missives. “I wanna challenge Tom Cruise to fight in the octagon,” he tweeted. “Tom if you dont take this fight your scared and you will never live it down. Who is willing to put on the fight? @danawhite ?”

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why has Justin Bieber challenged Tom Cruise to a UFC fight? Leave Dana White out of this!

Justin Drew Bieber often makes… let's call them interesting choices. He's grown up a bit since the leaving-a-monkey-in-Germany scandal days, though he still does things like stage baffling April Fools Day jokes, or the whole natural deodorant collaboration (which is actually nice and may save people from aluminum-based cancers). Bieber is a style icon (thank you Karla Welch), a musical genius (Purpose is an album of non-stop “face-melting bangers!”), and above all a pretty good shitposter.


But why Tom Cruise? Of all the people to challenge to a duel, we would not recommend the high prince of Scientology. He famously performs his own stunts, going against the advice of insurance providers everywhere! The Mission Impossible franchise alone has featured Cruise hanging off of airplanes and skydiving and scaling the Burj Khalifa, which is 163 stories tall. All of which is to say, Tom Cruise is not afraid.

Plus if Scientology is real, Cruise is surely at a post-Clear level. According to page 114 of L. Rob Hubbard’s Scientology 8-8008, this means Cruise could “move MEST [matter, energy, space, and time] and control others from a distance, or create his own universe; a person who is able to create his own universe or, living in the MEST universe is able to create illusions perceivable by others at will, to handle MEST universe objects without mechanical means and to have and feel no need of bodies or even the MEST universe to keep himself and his friends interested in existence.”

Conclusion: We would not recommend fighting Tom Cruise.

[#twitter: https://twitter.com/mmaggeler/status/1138080749951881216]

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