PIERS MORGAN presents a sneak preview of the Sussexes' new TV show
Murder at Markle Mansions, Archie learns about birds and bees, and Harry’s great escape back to naked billiards: PIERS MORGAN presents a sneak preview of the Sussexes’ new reality TV show
Sometimes, whether you love him or hate him, Donald Trump says what we’re all thinking.
Asked about Meghan Markle telling people to effectively vote against him in the upcoming US election, the President replied: ‘I’m not a fan of hers…’
Then he paused for thought, smiled ruefully and added: ‘I wish a lot of luck to Harry… because he’s going to need it.’
Nobody’s been a more ferocious critic of Trump this year for his woeful handling of the coronavirus pandemic, but I burst out laughing when I saw him say this.
His off-the-cuff zinger so perfectly summed up how most of the world now views the increasingly ridiculous Duke and Duchess of Sussex whose stupendous egos, to borrow a line from one of my favourite movies Top Gun, are now writing cheques their titled and entitled bodies will find very impossible to cash.
As part of their $150 million Netflix production deal, Meghan Markle and Prince Harry have reportedly agreed to star in a fly-on-the-wall reality series with cameras following them everywhere for three months
For a while now, I’ve been suggesting that Meghan Markle and her puppet Prince Harry are behaving like a royal version of the Kardashians.
In other words, a pair of ludicrously hypocritical, attention-seeking narcissists constantly at war with their families.
Now, hilariously, we learn they’re actually going to BE the new Kardashians.
No sooner had Kim and the girls announced they’re quitting their repulsively vacuous reality TV show, than up popped the Duke and Duchess of Sussex to replace them with one of their own.
As part of their $150 million Netflix production deal, they have reportedly agreed to star in a fly-on-the-wall reality series with cameras following them everywhere for three months.
Of course, this extraordinary invasion of their own privacy is exactly what they said they were quitting Britain to escape.
Meghan (pictured on September 23) – who was starring in legal drama Suits when she met Harry – is said to have made it clear she has no plans to return to acting
But such stunningly two-faced behaviour has never bothered Meghan and Harry, who thought nothing of lecturing to us about our carbon footprints whilst using Sir Elton John’s private jet as a taxi service or preaching about poverty on the same day Meghan was enjoying a $500,000 baby shower party in New York.
We’re told the new show will ‘all be very tasteful’ and that the couple are keen to ‘give people a glimpse into their lives and see all the charity work they’re doing.’
Meghan is apparently especially keen for the public to see the ‘real’ her.
Obviously, some of us who knew her before she sank her claws into poor Harry know exactly who the ‘real’ Meghan Markle is – a shockingly ruthless social climbing piece of work prepared to ditch anyone and anything in her desperate craving for ever greater dollops of fame and fortune.
So, it will be most amusing to see her try to pull the wool over yet more eyes with her new show.
To give you a taste of what’s to come, I’ve had a sneak peek into the future and can reveal some details from their eight-part reality series, Keeping Up With The Sussexes.
Episode One: MURDER AT MARKLE MANSIONS The series starts in shocking fashion when a body is seen floating in the swimming pool of the Sussexes’ palatial Santa Barbara home. Closer inspection reveals it is Jessica Mulroney, Meghan’s former best friend who was ghosted for being racist but remains the keeper of all her damaging secrets. Jessica has a pair of Aquazzura stilettos rammed in her back, very similar to ones Meghan frequently wears, and appears to be dead. But as the Princess, who is suspiciously bare-footed when police arrive, insists she had nothing to do with the incident, Jessica suddenly sits bolt upright and spews out water. She’s still alive! Meghan turns ashen and is seen urgently whispering to Harry: ‘We’re so, like, f*cked. Call Oprah.’
Episode Two: THE CAMBRIDGES COME TO CALIFORNIA In an attempt to restore relations with William and Kate, Harry invites his brother to bring his wife and kids to come and stay with them. The trip doesn’t go well. During a grimly tense vegan dinner, with each guest allocated one non-alcoholic beer to go with their Kale, Black Bean and Avocado Burrito Bowl, William politely suggests that Harry stops spouting off about US politics, Harry punches him in the face and bellows: ‘Don’t you get it, my Megs is going to be PRESIDENT?!’ William dusts himself down and sneers back: ‘Of what – the Santa Barbara Wimmin’s Wokery Club?’
Meghan Markle and Prince Harry are pictured with Archie in September 2019
Episode Three: ALL ABOUT ARCHIE To show just how much they want to protect their young son’s privacy, Meghan and Harry devote an entire show to him. She reads Archie books including Animal Farm by George Orwell but adds a modern woke interpretation. ‘All non-binary animals are equal,’ she explains, ‘but some are more equal than others, though none will ever be as equal as us obviously.’ Harry then takes Archie hunting…for bees. ‘We need millions of them to pollinate all Mom’s avocados and almonds.’ Archie is bemused. ‘Do they die doing that?’ he asks. Harry nods. ‘Yes, many of them do, son, but it’s all for a good cause – Mom’s eco-warrior woke credentials!’
Episode Four: LIFE’S A BEACH Meghan and Harry take the cameras to the beautiful sun-kissed sands of Santa Barbara where they interview a group of starving homeless people brought there by their production team. ‘Ma’am,’ weeps one to Meghan, ‘Please help me, I haven’t eaten for a week.’ She turns to him sternly and replies: ‘Well you must force yourself!’ The bemused man then tries to hug her but Meghan recoils in horror, screaming ‘NO! COVID! UGH!’ Horrified Harry quietly reminds her that his mother Diana once hugged AIDS and Leprosy patients. ‘If you think I’m risking my $5 million Chanel endorsement deal,’ she retorted furiously, ‘you’re even more stupid than I think you are.’
Episode Five: DADDY’S HOME Meghan’s father Thomas is a surprise visitor to Markle Mansions and begs to be let inside to speak to his daughter. ‘No chance,’ says Harry. ‘You’re bad for our brand.’ Thomas is mystified. ‘But I thought your brand was about being incredibly kind, compassionate and caring to everyone?’ ‘It is,’ retorted Harry, ‘but that doesn’t include our families or any friends who can’t help us achieve world domination.’
Prince Charles, Prince William, Kate, Meghan and Harry at Sandringham in December 2018
Episode Six: INFLAGRANTE WITH KANYE Kim Kardashian invites her ‘spirit animal’ Meghan to her LA home for the weekend to give her tips on how to make billions out of fleecing the public with overpriced beauty and fashion lines. But in a shocking development, Kim nips out for some ‘comfort shopping’ on Rodeo Drive and returns early to find Kanye and Meghan in bed together, both wearing pro-Trump MAGA caps, as Kanye sings his smash hit Gold Digger. ‘What will Harry say?’ screeches Kim. ‘He’ll say whatever I tell him to say, as always,’ chuckles Meghan.
Episode Seven: QUEEN OF THE CASTLE In an attempt to patch up their marriage, the Sussexes fly to Scotland to spend ‘quality time’ with the Queen and Prince Philip at Balmoral Castle. They end up spending precisely three minutes and 23 seconds, just long enough for Meghan to outline how she sees Phase Two of the woke evolution of the Monarchy, which involves her replacing Her Majesty as Queen, before Philip explodes and shouts: ‘Oh shut up, you whiny deluded Wallis Simpson wannabee.’
Episode Eight: THE GREAT ESCAPE In a thrilling cliff-hanging denouement to series one, the beleaguered exhausted Prince escapes from Markle Mansions in a late-night rescue operation organised by his former best friends Guy Pelly and Tom Inskip who Meghan made him disown once they married. They take him by helicopter to Las Vegas for a riotous ‘good old days’ night of drinking alcohol, guzzling meat, playing naked billiards and chatting up dumb peroxide blonde models. The show ends with Harry running around the Bellagio fountains singing Beyoncé’s song Freedom: ‘Freedom! Freedom! I can’t move! Freedom, cut me loose! Freedom! Freedom! Where are you? ‘Cause I need freedom, too!’ As the closing credits appear, the cameras cut back to Markle Mansions where Meghan is charging around the grounds armed with a meat cleaver screaming: ‘NOBODY DUMPS ME! I’M THE DUMPER!’
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