Meghan Markle Said She “Didn’t Want To Be Alive Anymore” During Her Lowest Moments as a Royal

The Duchess of Sussex revealed that during her lowest points in the palace, under the intense scrutiny of the press and public, and in feeling unsupported, she “didn’t want to be alive anymore.”

“I was really ashamed to say it at the time, and ashamed to have to admit it to Harry, especially because I know how much loss he suffered,” Duchess Meghan told Oprah Winfrey during her sit-down interview tonight.

“But I knew that if I didn’t say it that I would do it,” she continued. “And I just didn’t. I just didn’t want to be alive anymore. And that was a very clear and real and frightening constant thought.”

Meghan also recalled how Harry consoled her when she revealed this to him. “And I remember how he just cradled me,” she said.

The Duchess revealed that she went to “the institution” of the palace, saying she needed help to support her mental wellbeing. “I was told that I couldn’t that it wouldn’t be good for the institution,” she said.

She described “the institution” as made up of several people, and she went to one of the more senior members to address her need for mental and emotional support. “I remember this conversation like it was yesterday, because they said, ‘My heart goes out to you because I see how bad it is, but there’s nothing we can do to protect you because you’re not a paid employee of the institution,'” Meghan recalled.

The Duchess reached out to one of Princess Diana’s best friends for support. “Who else could understand what it’s actually like on the inside,” she said.

Meghan said her thoughts of suicide were “clear” and “very real.” She said, “This isn’t some abstract idea, this is methodical, and this is not who I am, but we had to go to this event, and I remember him saying, ‘I don’t think you can go,’ and I said I can’t be left alone.”

She also revealed that the day she had that hard conversation with Harry, they had to attend a public engagement at Royal Albert Hall. Although they attended the event in full glam, Meghan shared that she was hurting in secret, admitting that she was in tears when the lights were down in the royal box. She could also see later on, in photos, how tightly Harry was holding onto her hand.

“I wanted to be there for her,” Prince Harry said of hearing Meghan express her feelings. He explained that he went into a dark place after that moment. However, he didn’t bring it up to other members of the royal family because it’s “not a conversation to be had.” He said he was “ashamed” of admitting that Meghan needed help. The family has a mentality of “this is just how it is,” Harry explained.

Meghan also said, “I share this because there are so many people who are afraid to voice that they need help. And I know personally how hard it is to not just voice it but when you voice it to be told no.” She acknowledged how hard it is “to admit that you need help, to admit how dark of a place you in.”

If you or someone you know having thoughts of suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255).

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