Lying lover conned me for sex by saying he was getting a divorce and now I want revenge

DEAR DEIDRE: I BEGAN an affair with a married man to escape the boredom of my marriage.

The sex was great but now I want revenge.

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I am 38 and also married, to a guy of 40.

We’ve been together for 15 years and have a son who’s ten.

I am a nurse, as is my lover.

We met through work two years ago.

For at least a year, I saw him only as a colleague.

But as we got to know each other better, he told me he’d realised his marriage wasn’t what he now wanted and he was going through a messy divorce.

One day he sounded so sad I put my arms around him to comfort him. That turned into a passionate kiss.

The next week we had sex for the first time. It was awesome.

He is 36 and a gentle, thoughtful lover.

For months we saw each other discreetly so our colleagues and our partners didn’t find out.

I knew I wanted him and he told me he felt the same.

We started making plans for the future but wanted to wait until we were ready before coming clean about our affair.

Then, quite by accident, I found out he had been lying to me all along.

One of my colleagues, another nurse who had no idea about our affair, was gossiping and told me he was buying a new house with his wife.

The talk of divorce and selling the family home was pure fiction.

I was shellshocked. I managed to hide my feelings from that colleague but the next time I was alone with my lover we had a huge row.

I couldn’t believe he had lied to me. I had been totally hoodwinked.

Our affair ended with him admitting he had been playing both angles.

We still work together but I feel angry and used.

I am so hurt. I still have feelings for him but I want to expose his lies and tell his wife.

Am I wrong for wanting revenge?

I have since learned he’s cheated before.

Topic 4 today

ONE in five people will suffer from depression. It is a debilitating illness, not just feeling unhappy.

We should always see a doctor and might be helped by medication – but there is a lot we can do ourselves to ward it off or recover from it.

My leaflet Defeating Depression explains. For a copy, email me or private-message me on Facebook.

I no longer love my husband — I actually find him repulsive — but he is a good man, a caring husband and the best father any child could wish for.

I have only stayed this long so I don’t hurt my family.

Do I stay in a suffocating marriage or would I be better off being honest with myself and separating?

DEIDRE SAYS: I understand your fury with your lover but taking revenge usually turns sour.

His wife probably has a good idea what he is like and you can be glad it is her who is committed to this cheating liar, not you.

Look at why you find your husband – this caring partner and good father – so repulsive.

It might be you feel unfulfilled as a person and blame him for it when the answer lies not in a man but developing your own life.

For your son’s sake, at least, talk it all over with a counsellor and try refreshing your relationship with your husband.

My e-leaflet Your Relationship MoT explains more but you can’t turn things around on your own.

Your husband must show willing too.

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