Should she still see him, even though he was accused of rape?

Woman is left torn after man she’s been on three dates with admits his ex falsely accused him of attempted rape for ‘revenge’ – as some urge her to ‘run’ while others claim he deserves the benefit of the doubt

• An anonymous woman asks if she should continue dating man accused of rape
• The poster said he was accused by an ex as revenge and all allegations dropped 
• Commenters quickly labelled this as a ‘red flag’ and warned her off him

A woman has revealed her predicament after a man she’s been dating confessed to her that he was previously accused of attempted rape. 

In a post on the British parenting forum Mumsnet, the unnamed woman revealed that on their third date, her new love interested admitted that he had been arrested and investigated a few years back. 

He referred to this as a ‘revenge accusation’ and showed her emails from the police saying that there was no ‘further evidence’ against him. 

The majority of commenters urged the woman to end the relationships, claiming she could be in danger and that his confession might be a ‘classic softening up manoeuvre of abusers’, while others pointed out that false allegations of sexual assault are very rare. 

However, some did think she should give him the benefit of the doubt, praising him for being honest early on, and sharing stories of people close to them who have been falsely accused.  

A woman on Mumsnet sought advice on whether she should continue to date man that was accused of rape, even after the investigation was dropped (stock image)

In a post on the British parenting website Mumsnet , the unnamed author explained how on their third date he told her that it was revenge accusation and admitted to not knowing how she should react to this information

 Explaining the situation, the woman said that the revelation came up on her third date with a new man. 

‘He is nice and we connect well. I just felt comfortable around him,’ she said. 

‘He told me a few years back he was arrested and investigated for attempted rape. He was accused by an ex as revenge. He was investigated for 6 months, but charges dropped (no further evidence?). He said it tore his life apart as he couldn’t work and nearly suffered a breakdown.

‘Said it was a revenge accusation. It didn’t happen, but he wanted to be honest. He showed me emails from the police saying “no further evidence”. He said she got investigated for false allegations, but police decided not to charge.

‘I spoke to a friend who is a police detective and he said it will most likely be false as it was investigated very quickly as these things can take up to a year or more.

‘How would you feel being told this? I am undecided as he seems really nice and was broken telling me. But it has made me slow things down, as it was very serious allegation that got investigated!’

In a follow-up most, she explained that she has Googled him, but nothing has come up other than professional information.  

‘My gut says trust him, but my head is saying be uncomfortable,’ she explained, adding that ‘he wanted to be honest and told me early on. He has waited in the past and was accused of hiding stuff.’

Commenters were quick to label this as red flag and encourage her err on the side of caution. 

Whilst some recognised that there was insufficient evidence, they could not get past the fear that it might be true and the woman is at risk if she carries on seeing him 

One said that they ‘wouldn’t carry as seeing him’ because charges not being brought is ‘not proof he didn’t do it.’

‘Even if it was a 0000000.1% chance he was a rapist rather than being falsely accused I wouldn’t want even that amount of risk of being with a rapist,’ a fellow commenter added. 

Another asked accuser confessed to lying or was there insufficient evidence to proceed with a prosecution, saying that ‘unless it is on record that she genuinely confessed to making it up’ they would be wary.

Others encouraged the poster to put her own safety first and move on.  

‘I would run. I gave someone the benefit of the doubt about rape aligations and he raped me. He also denies raping me. I wouldn’t even risk spending any time with this man. Put your safety ahead of hurting this man’s feelings,’ another explained. 

Commenters discussed between themselves how likely it was that this was revenge accusation

Mumsnet users looked at their own findings and experience to offer up advice, with the majority coming to the conclusion that ‘no one can honestly know who is lying.’ 

This sparked further debate from the forum, with a handful of commenters sharing stories about men being falsely accused of rape.

Another questioned why he would volunteer the information if he had done something wrong.  

‘It’s totally illogical that he would volunteer up this information about himself if he were a potential or past rapist,’ one said. 

‘My reading of this is that he’s a man that’s had a serious allegation made against him (which would have been hellish ) and really likes you so he’s telling you his experience up infront rather than six months down the line when it would be a question of why didn’t you tell me sooner. 

‘Trust your instincts if you like him and it is indeed very possible that what he is telling you is true. Next step meet his friends.’

A handful of people sympathised with him and exchanged similar situations in which men had been falsely accused

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