Death experts’ guide on saying goodbye to loved ones torn away by coronavirus – from sending iPads to delaying funerals – The Sun

SAYING goodbye to a loved one in their final days is unbearably difficult at any time, but as coronavirus continues to spread across the world, it's meant many family members can't be with their relatives in their final moments.

Now however, a group of end-of-life experts have compiled a deathbed etiquette guide to advise relatives on exactly how to say their last farewell, and truly perfect the "art of dying well" – even if it's from afar.

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From letting go of any guilt you may be harbouring, to reassuring them with your final words, speaking from the heart and keeping eye contact over video calls, there are a number of simple ways to help comfort someone in their last days.

The guide, released by The Centre for The Art of Dying Well at St Mary's University, London, also recommends postponing either a full funeral, or just a family gathering, until after lockdown – ensuring you can grieve together.

"I think what we’re finding is all of the things that are important – the physical presence, the touch, the being there and witnessing what’s going on – are all much more limited," says Dr Jo Elverson, a consultant in palliative medicine, who helped compile the guide.

"We’re having to almost look at what’s really core about those things and how we can do it differently."

Indeed, the guide states: "There are no rights or wrongs about the way we feel and react; no definitive map to navigate through the loss and pain. If these thoughts are helpful, use them; if not, trust your instincts."

While some hospitals are allowing one or two relatives to visit their dying loved ones, others have banned family altogether – so Dr Elverson, along with retired healthcare chaplain Dr Lynn Bassett and consultant in palliative medicine Dr Amy Gadoud, have given some simple guidelines to follow from afar…

'The dying are never going to be deserted'

The end of life experts say a key thing to remember is that despite you not being able to visit your relative like normal, they're not alone – and it's essential to trust in the nurses and doctors who are caring for them.

"They are skilled professional and compassionate human beings," the guide states.

"They will do everything they can to give their best for every person in their care. Know that you can ask the healthcare team about what is happening even though they are busy."

The team says keeping contact with the staff members taking care of your loved one is key, so you can at least feel more connected to what they're going through.

Meanwhile, you could also write a letter, record a video or send an email for nurses to read out – so your relative can hear your words all the same.

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“The thing to remember is that the healthcare professionals in the hospital are never going to desert the dying, that is something that I can categorically say would not happen," Dr Gadoud says.

"So the contact would still be there. It might be a little bit different in that they might have to wear a face mask and the equipment you might have seen on the television, but they will be there.”

'Speak from the heart and reassure them with last words'

Often family members may feel overwhelmed when it comes to actually saying goodbye, and all the thoughts they have can come out in a jumbled mess, as they try to find the right words.

The etiquette guide has given a few simple phrases it's good to focus on, when you're struggling for the words yourself.

"Remember those important last words that you, and they, might like to say: ‘thank you, I’m sorry, I love you’. Reassure them that you will be ok," it states.

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"Remind them that they will always be with you, in your heart and in your memories. Tell them that they are free to let go – this ‘permission’ is often taken.

"Do not be afraid of silence. Speak to them in your heart and imagine them talking to you."

Dr Gadoud says it's usually good to trust your instincts and stick to the way you'd normally speak to them, in everyday life.

She recommends being "guided by the relationship you’ve always had with that person, and to do things that you always would".

'Keep eye contact, even virtually'

While face-to-face contact has been dramatically diminished in recent times, the experts suggest making sure your loved one has a phone or tablet with them when they first go into hospital, so you have a way of seeing them on video – and them you.

And, they say eye contact is particularly key.

"Be prepared that, towards the end, they may be too poorly or too sleepy to speak," the guide states.

"If it is in your culture, try to make eye contact and hold it. It may be a time for ‘no words’; just to take a moment in each other’s company.

While many hospitals may restrict visits to one person, they will likely also have to wear heavy protective gear and a mask – meaning a normal face-to-face interaction is hard.

But Dr Elverson insists no amount of equipment will make eye contact impossible.

"Familiar noises are helpful as well," she adds. "Either with a mask, or over technology, over the internet – it’s possible to maintain eye contact, it’s possible to keep that conversation going, even if the person is too weak to respond.”

'Don't be pressured by movies showing lengthy goodbye speeches'

Lots of us will have seen multiple heartbreaking death scenes on TV and in movies over the years – usually showing actors and actresses in tears and proclaiming their eternal love.

But Dr Gadoud says the reality is often very different, and it's important not to feel pressure from these fictional portrayals.

"Quite often when someone’s dying, these deep and meaningful conversations don’t always happen in the way that may be represented on the television or whatever, and quite often it’s something that’s said in our hearts really to the other person," she adds.

"It doesn’t always need to be spoken out loud and in a conversation, or in a face-to-face way.”

'Let go of any guilt'

Feelings of guilt will naturally creep in when you're close to losing someone close to you – however old those feelings may be.

But the guide recommends addressing them as soon as you can, and letting them go as best you can.

Dr Elverson says it's important to think about what your loved one would be saying to you at that time, if they could.

More than likely, she says they'd be telling you to look after yourself and not feel any guilt.

Meanwhile, Dr Gadoud says it's important not to let these feelings overwhelm you.

“I think most of us who have been bereaved will have felt guilty at some time about something we’ve not done, or could have done better," she says.

"And often, I think it’s unfounded, but it’s a symptom of grief, if only. So it’s not so much guarding against it, as acknowledging that that’s what’s going on, and hearing it and then saying, well, actually, do you know if somebody else said that to me what would I say?

"I’d say you did your very best, now just put that one down and stop worrying about it.”

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'Consider postponing a loved one's funeral or wake'

Perhaps one of the most difficult developments to have come out of the coronavirus pandemic has been a ban on the number of people allowed to attend funerals – with only immediate family members permitted in most situations.

However, the experts say this may be the time to consider either postponing the funeral itself, or at the very least, planning a gathering for when lockdown is lifted – to share your grief with your wider family as you normally would.

"Certainly after someone has died, there are restrictions on funerals and things at the moment. And certainly postponing so as to have something afterwards would be would be very appropriate," Dr Gadoud says.

Indeed, Dr Elverson adds: "Getting people together when we are able to, having that time to share the memories, to celebrate the good things and to cry together and to mourn together is absolutely important.

"And I think we’re all going to be discovering how crucial that is when this is all over.”

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