My boyfriend makes me prove where I've been and constantly accuses me of cheating
WELCOME to Ask Chloe, the no-holds-barred advice column. Every other week Chloe Madeley answers sex and relationship questions from Fabulous readers, offering unflinching advice on how to deal with everything from lacklustre sex to finding the perfect partner.
This week she discusses trust issues and swinging, while a well-known on-off Towie couple are the focus in Celeb corner.
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Q. LAST week my boyfriend accused me of seeing someone else because I took a couple of hours to reply to a text from him, but I was just having a meal with my parents.
He reckons I’m acting like his exes, and they all cheated on him. But I keep telling him I’m not them.
We have other issues too – he doesn’t trust me because I lied about some things from my past but that was only because I didn’t want to talk about them.
He slept with someone right at the start too, but I forgave him.
I tell him he’s pushing me away, that all I want is to be with him and plan a life together but I’m worried his behaviour will mean the relationship ends.
I am at my wits’ end. He makes me prove where I’ve been, says I’m lying all the time, that I’ve been cheating and yet he won’t even post photos of us together.
What do I do?
A: Wow, this reads like a mountain of trust issues.
He doesn’t trust where you are or what you’re doing, partly because of his ex-girlfriends and to some extent because you were secretive with him right from the off.
Similarly, you don’t trust him because of what happened at the start of the relationship and because he won’t post images of you on his social media.
This seems like a massive power struggle between the two of you.
Trust issues and power struggles are par for the course in a new relationship. I know James and I had to go through it, as did most of our friends. But the goal should be to eventually reach an understanding and an accepted degree of push-pull between the two of you.
No couple can go the distance if that does not develop.
The relationship will become toxic, and I am worried this is what is happening with you.
I think you would both do well with a couple’s counselling session in which you lay your wants, needs and boundaries on the table, and start to rebuild from there.
The goal has to be to move FORWARD now, TOGETHER.
Q. I’M a bloke in my 20s in a committed relationship with my girlfriend. She’s the same age. I’m interested in trying swinging for the first time.
I know a lot of people cannot stand the thought of seeing their partner with someone else, but that’s not an issue for me. Are we too young to give it a go?
A. Swinging is, historically, for older, likely married couples who are a little bored of monogamy but would very much like to stay together.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with swinging at any legal age, having a sexually open relationship, or even attending sex parties, Covid rules permitting.
It's hugely important that you are open and honest with your partner. It’s not clear whether she is as on board with this idea as you are, so you need to have that discussion
Are you looking for a thrill or just wanting to have promiscuous sex? Does the idea of group sex or voyeurism turn you on? Or is it more about wanting to broaden your sexual horizons?
Whatever the answer, it’s hugely important that you are open and honest with your partner. It’s not clear whether she is as on board with this idea as you are, so you need to have that discussion.
Whether or not you are on the same page, she has a right to make her own decision on the matter.
James and I try to communicate all our desires and fantasies to each other. There are times when the answer is a hard no, there are times when we try to indulge each other.
Communication really is the only way to safeguard both your individual needs and your relationship.
CELEB CORNER
TOWIE fans were delighted to see that exes Gemma Collins and James Argent are still on friendly terms after the pair were recently spotted together.
Regardless of whether they reunite or not, it seems they are at least trying to be friends, which is a really mature way to handle things.
I’ve stayed friends with a few of my exes out of a platonic love, shared history and mutual respect.
James is still friends with a few of the girls he has dated, and I’m all for it. There’s so much to be learned from staying friends with an ex, but there is a hard line, too.
If the relationship ended badly, or if one person still has lingering feelings there, it’s a really bad idea.
That’s when your self-esteem and/or future relationships can really suffer, and the term “cut and run” serves a very real purpose.
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