Here’s How To Respond If Your Partner’s Ex Contacts You, According To Experts

There are likely many people in your partner’s life that you’re excited to meet. Going out with their friends for the first time or heading home with them for the holidays are both important milestones in a relationship. But there are some folks from their life who you might not be thrilled to meet, or even anticipate ever speaking with, and they’re your partner’s former flames. You aren’t automatically expected to know just how to respond if your partner’s ex contacts you. Because unless they’re still besties, it’s probably not something you saw coming.

Julie Spira, online dating expert and author of Love in the Age of Trump: How Politics is Polarizing Relationships says that while having an ex reach out isn’t common, it does happen on occasion. When in the rare instance it does occur, her advice is to proceed cautiously, as the ex very likely has bad intentions. "The best thing you can do is listen and listen only once," Spira tells Elite Daily, and says that, even then, you should be careful about what you say. "If this ex is trying to provide dirt on your current love interest, I don’t recommend commiserating," she adds.

But not all contact from your SO’s ex is automatically nefarious, says Connell Barrett, Dating Transformation founder and executive dating coach. "For example, if your partner and the ex are still friends, then the ex may at some point have cause to talk to you," he tells Elite Daily. In that case, the communication doesn’t have to be awkward. That being said, Barrett adds that it’s important to loop your partner in, especially if their ex doesn’t have pure intentions. "If you sense the ex … is somehow ‘up to something,’ then end the conversation civilly and let your partner know right away about the contact. Clear, honest communication is a must between you and your SO," he explains.

Sonya Schwartz, a relationship expert and owner of Her Aspiration, agrees and tells Elite Daily the best policy is to be cautious, but open, when they reach out. "They might try to contact you instead of their ex for a serious matter." Schwartz says it’s best to play it cool until you have a clear idea of their agenda. “In my opinion, it is always important to listen to what they have to say. Be polite and simply ask why they’re contacting you," she suggests. However, Schwartz warns that, more often than not, the ex is not reaching out with your best interests in mind. "In most cases, your current partner’s ex is just trying to break up the relationship you have with your current partner in an attempt to gain them back," she explains.

There is also a chance that your SO’s former partner is contacting you because they aren’t so former after all, Schwartz warns. "It might be that your current partner is cheating on you with their alleged ex. This happened to me in a past relationship, so it’s not really uncommon," she says. Yikes.

Ultimately, how you deal with this situation is going to be up to you and your own instincts, explains Schwartz. "Whatever the reason [for the contact], you can always decide whether to continue communicating with them or not," she explains. So, if the conversation feels suspicious, it’s OK to trust your gut and cut off communication. If not, proceed slowly and thoughtfully. Sure it may be a little awkward at times, but you’ve got this.

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